sickwonderland

Me and Natalie are dating. Like, officially. It was made official on Thursday.
I'll add details if someone's curious, but you have to ask.
I'm nervously excited, and I don't have a bad feeling about it.
That is all!

It's coming back, but I'll deal with it on my own.

i wish you understood me.

She's so lovely. She just spoils me. I love her ♥

We're entering that weird stage again.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OH MY GOD.
You must be fucking shitting me.
Why did I happen to see this?
What the HELL dude.
Just fuck it.
You all know how I feel about this.
Fucking LiveJournal.

God, you know what you're doing, right?
Give me a sign.

These panic attacks are literally killing me.
I cry myself to sleep every night.
My guiance counselors want me in a mental hospital.
I hate that my girlfriend hates the girl I can't get over.
My friends have me under suicide watch.
I don't know why I like him-- I'd only hurt him, and I've been told he's been hurt enough.
My face has that permanent "I was just crying" look.
I don't like that Idina Menzel makes me cry because she looks like her.
A 7th grade boy pities me and tries to help me feel better about myself.
I feel myself die a little when I think of them together.
People wonder if I'm going to come to school with a gun.
I have a sore throat from screaming in my sleep.
My friends can see me breaking.
I can't stop lying and saying "I'm okay".
People are starting to notice I'm not okay.
I want to cut again.
My girlfriend puts up with my crying.
I'm afraid she'll get sick of it.
My girlfriend says she loves me.
I'm even more afraid that I don't love her back.
Music and art don't help like they used to.
I'm dying and I won't tell my family.
Skin cancer is taking me over, I can see the signs.
I wish I wasn't bi.
College seems like it might be my home.
I wish everything I just wrote was a lie.

God, you know what you're doing, right?
Can you please give me a sign?

Again.

Really shitty week.

I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. I keep breaking down, and freaking out over everything. I can't do anything without feeling that knotted up feeling inside. It's fucking ridiculous. I feel left behind. I feel pathetic. I can see people's patience waning, and rightfully so.

A few days ago, I blew up on twitter, and Mike tried to comfort me. Didn't go so well. I got pissed because he was trying to make things logical, in a sense, but I wouldn't hear any of it. I was freaking out, because my life is just like a book. It's just so fucking /obvious/. It pisses me off that I already know how I'm going to end, and there's not a goddamn fucking thing I can do about it. I'm a big believer in fate, and that things aren't random.

There isn't a way to say that the things that have happened to me are random. You can't. You can't say that I met my friends randomly. You can't say things aren't planned somehow.

I can't even make sense of it right now.

Last night, I had a breakdown. I had a panic attack, and started hyperventilating like crazy. I threw up, and everything. I read old conversations me and Natalie had... how I proposed to her, how she said yes, as soon as we could we would be married... how everything was so good... how she made me stop drinking, smoking, cutting, stealing... how much she needed me... I needed her...

How no matter how hard I try, I'm not over her.. How everything is just so fucked up in my head, and I start sobbing, or swearing, or panicking at every moment...

How... she doesn't need me anymore.
She... doesn't need me.
I'm out of her life, I guess..
But she means everything in mine.

I don't know what to do anymore.

This has been by far one of the shittiest weeks of my life.

I can't even process all of the things that happened.

All I can say is that I was almost everyone's go-to person, and while I /live/ to be needed, I'm going through my own shit.

I feel like I don't have time for Lei, and I try to make time. We at least managed to watch an episode of Blackadder (hilarious, by the way) and chat for a few hours. But honestly, that's not enough. I wish I could see her everyday, and have her close to me. I'm also having fucking breakdowns everyday now, and I haven't gone a day without throwing up.

No, I'm not pregnant.

My brother wanted to kill himself, and I had to be the one to talk him out of it. My friend Rebecca wants to kill herself, and so does my friend Eddie.

I worry for Natalie, because she's with that fucker that keeps telling her not to be my friend. I hate him, and I wish she would break up with him. She deserves someone that will treat her like a queen.

I'm failing Chemistry, and I can't even motivate myself enough to care. I haven't drawn something GOOD in weeks, and music, I can't find any good kind.

I'm living in fucking fear everyday of which friend is okay, and which one's alive, and ugh, I don't even know.

I had an outburst on twitter the other day, where I fucking bashed everything and everyone, and brought down some people's mood. I feel like a fucking brat that's saying 'fucking' too much. I don't want to complain to anyone, and even if I did, I don't really have anyone. A lot of my friends are going through their own shit.

Natalie tries to comfort me, but instead I want to cry. She tries to love me as a friend, and I went so long without her caring about me, I don't even want to get close to her, in fear that she'll stop being my best friend.

I can't stop having panic attacks. I want to sleep for a long ass time. I don't know where I belong anymore. I feel like an outcast. At school, ALL of my friends are lovey-dovey in front of each other, and it makes me uncomfortable.

I gave my presentation on gay marriage, and a friend of mine, well, former, said that her cousin was gay and she never talked to her anymore. She also said that she would kick out any kid of hers that was gay. It made me feel like crap.

God, I hate complaining.

ASDFGHJKL;

God, I'm so pathetic. I tried AGAIN to talk to Natalie, like the stupid puppy that follows its owner. I'm over her, for the most part, but she WAS my best friend! She knew everything about me, good, bad, and ugly. I still need her in my life, and I promised her I'd be in hers. I promised her so many things, like:

-I'd never abandon her.
-I'd never drink.
-I'd never smoke.
-I'd never cut myself.
-I'd be the best person I could be.

There are more, but those were the most important. I'm trying SO hard to keep my promises, but she's changed. I hate change, it scares me so badly. I left her a voicemail because she called me (on accident probably, because she hang up quickly) and I told her everything. I'm at my lowest point in our friendship. I want to forgive her, but she won't say she's sorry. She wants things back like how they used to be, but she changed, and I don't know this new girl and how she acts. I'm constantly crying now. It's pathetic.